23 December 2023. (was: 19 October 2023)
Notes on where I think the various essays I’ve produced are. This is unlikely to be of interest to others.
Status of Essays
- 1. Napkin Thief. Unsure. It is a fun story, but not much substance. Not sure what to do.
- 2+6 A Straight Transect. Nearly done.
- 3. Mind in the Hand. Final.
- 4. Body and Mind. Mostly done. Replace lime tree section with exercise at home — retitle as PT. –> I am partway through replacing the lime tree section, but the new section seems a bit boring.
- 5. Aloha. Unsure. It is a fun story, but not much substance. Not sure what to do.
- 7. Why I like Hiking. Mostly done. Alter ‘crystal rain’ section. Bring in more Muir
- 8. Alone Together.
1: The Napkin Thief
There are good passages in this, but it doesn’t really gel.
I think Kate is right that the mud-room-closet and bags within bags is fun, but is too much in the way — but at the same time, it introduces the mystery of the bag and napkin in a way that is useful; perhaps I could greatly shorten it. Perhaps the piece could be more about dinner parties and associated rituals? Or, it could go more into napkins… Not sure if the dream sequence works either, though there are aspects I like about it. Not sure what to do.
KateCarmody’s Comments
Tom, what a fun read! I enjoyed following your narrative and appreciate your willingness to add speculation! I love the way you use an everyday object to get readers to follow you on a humorous journey, which is sprinkled with absurdity and lovely musings. You do a fabulous job grounding the readers and creating a character to get them to think about napkins. I’m impressed with how you can make a topic many would deem boring or basic entertaining. Well done!
For your revision, I want you to think about the movement of the piece. This piece has a traditional narrative arc: the narrator starts cleaning the closet and finds a napkin; narrator decides to find the owner and begins their journey; narrator’s first assumed owners are incorrect; narrator’s spouse tells him the rightful owner; narrator speculates how it got there; narrator remembers how it got there. In fiction, as you know, we call this the plot. In an essay, the plot comes from the movement of the writer’s mind as they wonder, meander, complicate, contradict, reflect, and excavate. At the end of fiction, nonfiction, and poetry readers need to have a sense that the narrator or speaker is in a different place than they started. Or even if the course is circular, readers need to get a sense that they have moved, learned something through that move, and ended up back where they started. In your first rendition, we don’t know why you are telling us about your journey to find the napkin owner until the dinner party. It is there where we get some musings and wondering about napkins and etiquette. While I love the closet part and think that you should save that part to some capacity or use it in another essay, much of the beginning seems like throat-clearing to get to the dinner party and get to your thoughts on napkins.
In contrast, you jump right in in the second paragraph of your second piece asking questions about napkins and their history. Then you use an imagined conversation with Marco Polo and Calvino to begin your journey into figuring out why we use napkins. In both pieces, you have created movement through speculation and narrative. I am often telling students to add scenes to ground readers, so the fact that readers are firmly grounded and engaged through your scenes is a huge step in the right direction. For your revision think about adding psychological and/or philosophical movement. Try to answer and complicate the questions you pose. To give a few examples of places you can go, think about what napkins say about class and gender roles. Or the environment. Is it better to toss a paper napkin or paper towel into the trash or compost or is it better to use cloth napkins and wash them wasting energy through the use of the washing machine? You bring up generational differences through a situation of a younger person posting pictures of a napkin. I appreciate the humor, but reducing younger generations to their social media use is also an obvious one. How can you use it as an entry point into a more nuanced assessment? Think about what you would like to discover through your essay. And remember the more risk you take, the more vulnerability you show, the more you question what you think to be true, the more your readers will do the same. While Woolf’s essayistic short story “Mark on the Wall” (her first of its kind for Woolf) begins with the narrator wondering about what the mark on the wall is, speculates about what it is, contemplates getting up to see what it is, decides not to see what it is, and eventually learns what it is from another person. Reader satisfaction doesn’t come in narrative movement, in learning what is on the wall, but in philosophical movement, in following the narrator as she wonders and muses about how narrow, linear thinking and storytelling limit freedom and expression, how she feels restricted by masculine point of view and societal norms. The overall narrative arc serves as a metaphor for allowing one’s mind to wonder and wander and make room for uncertainty as she examine’s something closely. Reading it again, I can see how it’s a precursor to A Room of One’s Own. As you revise and add philosophical and/or psychological movement, don’t be afraid to make associative leaps even if they lead you away from your napkin narrative. You’ve already done a masterful job creating an interesting character, one who surely readers will willingly follow as he leaps. Great work, Tom! Looking forward to seeing where you go next!
2+6: A Straight Transect
It is in good shape.
- I’ve marked up the current version with a few minor copy edits
- In an idea world I would do a little more with the ‘straight transect theme’ to pull it through the essay. I would like it to come to stand for the tension between making a plan and implementing the plan in the real world, while at the same time ending with the point that the world-induced deviation from the plan is a win, rather than a loss.
- Verify that the flowers and butterflies I mention are found in the Sierra and at the right time..
- KateCarmody feels it could be published and suggests a few venues: Ecotone; Terrain.org; The Common
KateCarmondy also made the following comments:
- Consider grounding the present tense hiking sections more in time (or make it clear why they are not grounded)
- Are there places where you could linger a bit more?
- Think about what creates tension…
- You create tension and suspense in opening witch hazel scene, but it kind of peters out… is there a way to connect or carry over some of the tension to other hiking scenes…
Excellent revision, Tom! I like how you flushed out the themes more through content and structure. The result is a more focused essay that gives space for wandering and meditation. I think you’ve found the right balance between pithy lines that get right to what meaning you want readers to take away from the essay and letting readers do some of the work to find meaning themselves. As mentioned above, I think breaking up the longer hiking section that starts on page 8 especially helps with this. In general I think you did a great job braiding the two threads. The two distinct threads I see are Tom in the forest and Tom reflecting on retirement.
I agree that this is very close to being done. Think about tension in the essay and how each thread creates tension. What sections are doing the most work to create tension? Can anything be added to raise the stakes? Are there places where you could linger a bit more?
You do a fabulous job grounding us in place which is essential in essay-writing, but when jumping around in time and place, there are a few spots that need more clarification. I think it’s interesting that you keep all of the forest-related sections in present tense. Present tense makes things more immediate. However, there are sections in that thread that need to be grounded more in time. You create tension and suspense in your witch hazel scene, but it kind of peters out. You mention your partner once, which is great, but I am wondering how your communication with them compares and contrasts with later communication with your pleasant chats people, especially since one of those evolves into hiking chats. Think about how you can connect or compare and contrast that witch hazel scene with the hiking scenes. It may just be a sentence or two to clarify, or it could be more to add tension and another layer of meaning.
As I’ve mentioned before, I absolutely see this essay as part of a linked collection. I think you should consider submitting this essay, but no pressure if that doesn’t interest you! I could easily see this in Ecotone, Terrain.org, The Common, or other place-based and/or environmentally-focused literary magazines. Excellent work, Tom! Let me know if you have any questions.
3: The Mind in the Hand
My latest summary:
The Mind in the Hand ➔ I’ve fixed a few infelicities, and labeled it as “final.”
—TE: 23 December 2023
We’ll see. It is not among my favorites, but I think it is complete and ‘good enough.’
I like this essay. I am not sure, however, how interesting it would be to most people. I wonder if there is a way to make it bigger, or educe lessons that might be more generally applicable? Perhaps some discussion of why rote learning is not necessarily a bad thing?Kate has some general suggestions below, and some other essays I should look at it again. She suggests it could be part of the “previous essay,’ which I think is “Body over Mind.”
To Do
- Check through line edits by Kate, et al.
- Think about how to make it more generally appealing
KateCarmody Feedback:
As I said in the workshop, I like following your mind on the page, Tom. And as I said in the workshop, I could see this as a thread in your last essay if you wanted. You do an excellent job of making everyday things we do interesting and accessible. I think your technical explanations are the most engaging when you include lyrical elements or metaphors. There are a few instances where you can add more or elaborate, which I marked in the text. I put “Hey Big Spender” in the Resources folder for you to see how Elena Passarello balances technical and sensory details.
Whether you choose to include this in your last essay or keep it as its own thing, I think there’s room to zoom out and make other connections on the ways our bodies and minds work together and against each other. I know that you said that writing about aging seems like the obvious thing to write about, and, by all means, don’t write about anything you don’t want to, but if it keeps coming up, chances are there’s something to explore. And really, that’s what writing is for, to help us sort through the things that perplex us. You have a strong voice and I have no doubt that whatever you choose to write about will be interesting because and different from the rest because of it. The key is to think about what am I adding to the conversation. I’m also including Sarah Manguso’s “Oceans” in the folder. Sarah could have held herself back from writing that essay thinking, does the world really need another cancer essay? But it’s not just a cancer essay; it’s an oceanic meditation. In fact, I remember Sarah telling me that a friend of hers write forty some odd books about his mother’s suicide. All brilliant. We have to pursue our obsessions and trust that something new will reveal itself as we write. In the workshop, you said you are obsessed with systems and patterns. Keep pursuing them. Keep making connections. Keep digging. Whatever you find I’m here for.
4: Body and Mind
–TE: 23 December 2023My latest summary:
Body and Mind ==> a few tweaks, and a section on doing exercises at home.
The first part is in great shape. KateC suggests that I spend some more time on the contrarian view of fitness… I could talk about personal trainers, and our obsession with health and fitness… or perhaps mention that at some point I transitioned to the view that I could fix any problem just by focused effort.
Kate C is, I think, right on the mark about the ‘Lime Tree’ portion slowing down the essay. While there are a few bits of it I love – the superhero part, especially – I think she is right. It is a divergence, and it doesn’t really blend back into the rest of the essay. Instead, what I think I should do is stick more tightly with PT, and talk about the exercises one does at home, and how satisfying it is to make progress week by week…
There are parts of this I like very much. I think, with Kate, that the lime tree story does not really work well in this, so I think I will excise that. Well the remaining essay have much substance? Is there more to say?
To do:
- Check through line-edits by Kate, Tia, and Adam
KateCarmody:
Tom, another pleasurable reading experience! I love your balance of narrative and reflection throughout your physical therapy portion. In fact, I think you only need a couple of minor changes to that section. I love how you embody the text by thinking about your, as you say, declining body. Coincidentally I had just gotten back from physical therapy the first time I read this! So everything you say about coming to terms with your body as you age is very relatable. I also appreciate your longing for control when things aren’t in your control, your humorous asides, your self-deprecation, and even your skepticism about people who go to gyms (as I noted, I think you could linger as the contrarian for a bit longer especially because we are a country obsessed with youth and doing everything in our power to stop aging), all of which give room for you to zoom out and give some insight/commentary as you do on page 5 with your paragraph starting with “Sadly, the body does not work this way.”
The lime tree portion slows the essay down. While it was certainly engaging in parts, I missed the humor and reflection from the first part of the essay and I wasn’t totally clear how it added to your musing about how as we age and our bodies decline, we have a different relationship with our bodies. As I read and because you stressed following or breaking rules before, I thought you were going to hurt yourself moving the plant and perhaps give some insight about how breaking the rules as an adult had larger consequences. When everything worked out, I found myself wondering what the point of revealing the anecdote was. I think you could cut that section and jump to the last paragraph or add a new section that advances your thinking about your body. In the workshop, you said you realized that things can happen and you can’t just fix them. Is there a better anecdote to show this? What scares you about aging? What have you made peace with?
If you are wanting to go for shortening it, perhaps you could look at Joan Didion’s “In Bed.” That’s a link to The Art of the Personal Essay anthology. Feel free to scroll back to Lopate’s introduction. I’ve read it more times than I can count and every time I find helpful reminders. If you are wanting to make this into a longer meditation on aging, I found this Longreads series that I plan to also check out. While I like how you tend to focus on one place and time to reflect on larger ideas, it may be interesting for you to check out Scott Russell Sander’s “Dust” and think about how he moves associatively to build meaning. Lovely essay, Tom! Thanks for sharing!
5: Aloha
7: Why I like Hiking
I feel that this is generally in good shape. I need to consider the following things:
- I’ve marked up the current version with a few minor copy edits
- Figure out what to replace the fractional crystallization paragraphs with — FC does not play a significant role in granitic magmas…. Choose a different hike? Refer to multiple hikes?
- Add in material about the John Muir – Josiah Whitney debated about the formation of Yosemite valley
- Check through Kate, Tia and Adam line edits.
Kate’s comments:
Another lovely essay, Tom! This is a quiet and moving essay. Moving in more ways than one! I like that you show the pleasure of hiking. You could have said, “Hiking makes me focus on the little things such as a swarm of gnats” or “Hiking makes me realize that our time on this planet is the size of a gnat,” but instead you focus on showing what brings you joy and bring curiosity to what you see. I also love the playful aspects of this essay: the admitting to not be Muir, the Superman moment, etc. These moments show that hiking and nature not only make you curious about the scientific aspects of the world around you, but it also ignites your imagination. You could add more of these moments. As I said in the workshop, I would be curious to see Muir throughout the piece potentially. I like how you bring in other literary references as well.
I even think there’s room for nostalgia and maybe even a little sentimentality in this essay. Do you remember the first hike you did that made you love it? How did you get into hiking? Going off the trail a bit and reflecting on other experiences may help readers to fully grasp what it means to you. I know we went back and forth about the intro in terms of you mentioning that a friend asked you why you like to hike. I’ve been thinking about it and I think that the idea of explaining why you love hiking to a skeptic. You could even put it in epistolary form. As you know, you fall in line with many different writers like Muir, Emerson, Dillard, Sanders, who write about their experiences in nature to make sense of it and preserve it. How does speaking to a contemporary audience differ from Muir? Linger in your curiosities but also think about what others may wonder about when they hike for the first time. All of the showing is great, but I think more direct reflection on why you like hiking may be helpful. You can also reflect on your feelings as when you think about hiking trips you’ve done before.
xxx